The Sibling Showdown: How to overcome sibling rivalry
One of the most common questions I get—whether I’m at work or 30,000 feet in the air—is this:
“How do I get my kids to stop fighting all the time?”
In fact, during a recent flight, my seat-mate found out I was a behavior analyst with a PhD in Psychology and immediately launched into tales of his daily sibling showdowns at home. Sound familiar?
My #1 tip?
Reinforce your kids when they’re being kind to each other—and actively foster collaborative play.
But before we dive into how to encourage connection, let’s talk about why sibling conflict is so common—and how it gets unintentionally reinforced.
Where Things Go Sideways:
Sibling fighting often continues because it’s accidentally reinforced—meaning, the behavior works for the kids in some way.
Trying to push your sister’s buttons? → Gets attention (even negative attention counts!)
Yelling to grab the toy from your brother? → Gains access to something they want
Arguing over chores? → Sometimes helps them avoid doing the task altogether
Bottom line: If the fighting leads to a desired outcome, it’s likely to keep happening.
How to Support Sibling Cooperation
Here’s how you can flip the script and promote more peace (and maybe even a little sibling bonding):
1. Model Conflict Resolution
Instead of the classic “Stop fighting!”, try coaching them through:
“Why don’t you ask for help?”
“Let’s take turns.”
“I don’t like being called that. Can you please stop?”
Give them the language and tools they need to work through conflict.
2. Set Clear Expectations
If the chore list is sparking arguments, get ahead of it.
Be specific: “You’re on dishes tonight, and your sister is in charge of taking out the trash.”
Then—reinforce follow-through.
3. Catch the Good Stuff
See your kids sharing, compromising, or problem-solving together?
Reinforce it immediately.
It doesn’t need to be fancy:
A high-five
A “Hey, I love how you handled that!”
A sticker or extra screen time
The key is: Make being kind more rewarding than being chaotic.
4. Be Consistent
If you set a boundary or expectation, follow through—every time.
Consistency helps kids feel secure, and it makes your feedback more effective.
Bonus: Make Cooperation FUN 🎲
Sometimes the best teaching happens through play.
In my next post, I’ll share my favorite games that build collaboration, communication, and teamwork between siblings—without them even realizing they’re learning.
Toodaloo from BeeHaven 🐝✨,
Dr. Doyle
